you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
