She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
