If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need water and some morals
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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