Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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