Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
