I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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