someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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