you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Boobs speak an international language.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
