Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
