Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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