I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
