Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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