I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
