end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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