how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
