God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
