My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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