The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
