I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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