I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
