I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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