I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
