also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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