Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
