Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
