Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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