I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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