The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
