There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
