when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
