My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
