hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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