So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
