so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
