don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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