Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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