We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
