Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
