I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
