I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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