you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want nice things and good sex
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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