1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
