If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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