I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
nutella sex= disaster
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
This is the high leading the old right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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