my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
