Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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