Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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