You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
