is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
