Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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