All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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