He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
