She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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