We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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