after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
