I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
